Teenagers!?! Am I right? They think they know everything, and they invest so much energy into making sure we know it. Sometimes the arguing, contradictions, eye-rolling are constant. Sometimes they seem completely out of control. Sometimes, we shouldn’t take them too seriously!

My oldest child has always been intense. High highs and low lows. One day she was a bit edgy. An argument arose. I don’t remember what it was about, but I know it wasn’t important. I looked up at her on the stairway. Her face was red. Her eyes were like fire. I said something logical, and she blew up, yelling at me. Her argument was absurd. Then I sensed hesitation in her voice. The subtle pause spoke volumes about her convictions in that moment. She didn’t believe a word of what she was saying, but she couldn’t back down.

I couldn’t help myself. A snicker escaped my lips. She heard it and paused. Now I’m chuckling. “You don’t even believe what you’re saying!” I said through my laughter. She made a solid effort, but she too began to crack. We both broke down in laughter. The argument was absolved. To this day, neither of us remember what it was about.

Sometimes we unintentionally back our kids into a corner, and they feel obligated to defend themselves. They dig their heels in, take a stand. Their pride and their need for control make it nearly impossible for their immature brains to admit when they are mistaken. It takes a great deal of character and humility to recognize and admit when one is wrong. If we as adults struggle to do this, isn’t it unfair to expect a child to do it simply because they are supposed to honor their parents? It’s a big ask. And just like we need God’s grace and forgiveness, our kids need our grace and forgiveness, too.

I call this a mini prodigal moment. They want autonomy. They want to be seen and recognized. They want to do their own thing and make their own decisions. Sometimes they do this well, but sometimes they run amuck and create problems for themselves. My daughter was in this state of mind. I could have grounded her, taken her phone away, or lectured her for her defiance and disrespect. However, I saw that my child had fallen into the mud and muck of human nature – the need to be right. She needed a way back. I chose to stretch out my hand, help her up, and dust her off by overlooking her bad attitude and restoring the relationship instead. I chose to be slow to anger and faithful in love just like our heavenly father often does for us. I became her solution instead of her disciplinarian.

I’m not saying don’t discipline your teenagers. They need accountability. But sometimes we can choose to defuse a situation, show love and grace, walk them out of the mire, and maybe even get a few good laughs out of it. Building trust and a safe place for your teenagers opens the door to deeper conversations, meaningful questions, a willingness to confide in you, and real friendship as they move into their adult lives.